Healing. That’s the first word that came to mind when Jessi asked me to share a little of my story on her blog. I prayed for a few weeks on what God wanted me to share, and he showed me the vision and the path that He has taken me on recently.
Feeling far from God
“Oh my gosh! My teeth! My teeth fell out!”
These were my first thoughts when I woke up a few days ago after dreaming my teeth had all been broken. When I woke up, I ran my tongue through my mouth and I noticed nothing was actually wrong with my teeth. Even still, I was pretty shaken by this dream, as you can probably imagine. So I thought, “Ok God I’ll go to the dentist this week!” I had been praying for God to show me what He needed me to do so that I can move forward into the calling that He has laid out for me. I took that dream as a sign of guidance. Later that day I made the dentist appointment, but that night I had the same dream!
In the days prior to these dreams, I felt like I couldn’t hear God. I’m sure I’m not the only one who has opened the bible and felt completely confused; not being sure if He’s yelling at you from the Old Testament, or if He’s loving you in the New. It’s not just me right? 🙂 Well, I was in a season of feeling so lost and definitely not feeling His presence at this time. I felt like God wasn’t with me like He usually is.
I went through a spiritual battle in these few weeks of wondering if God is being silent right now because I did something wrong. Am I on the wrong path? God, where are you? I finally realized that I was digging through the bible expecting to “feel” His presence, but He was trying to reach me in a different way–––through dreams. I’d experienced His messages before as they came to me in dreams when He is trying to get a good strong point through me. So, I had prayed for Him to make this message clear to me in a dream.
Messages in dreams
The next morning, I woke up thinking I’d need dentures after another dream about shark-like. But, it finally dawned on me! Oh! This is what I was praying for, a message through my dreams. However, I had no idea what it mean. I turned to google of course.
What does it mean when you dream your teeth are falling out?
Healing. It meant healing, God wants me to heal. Of course I pleaded, being the stubborn self I am. “But God, I am healed. You healed me.” His response to me was, “No sweetie, you put a band-aid on and called it healed. Let’s get to the source of what is needing healing and what you need to let go of.”
Seeing the truth
Thankfully, God has placed many wonderful spiritual leaders and accountability partners in my life through my church. I’ve been struggling ever since my divorce, feeling like I had messed it all up. Feeling like I needed to fix it, like somehow I could restore it. The next day, after my strange dream, I was visiting a friend who was beaten so badly by her ex-husband that her spline had ruptured. Although our situations were quite different, the message I took from all of this was that there are many factors that can make a marriage unhealthy.
Even though I was never beat, our marriage was far from safe or healthy. I chose to force a marriage that wasn’t meant for us. Because of this choice, a lot of bad things happened. I continually tried to take control and run my life, but I was not ready nor mature enough to be married. I focused on the world around us that was pushing us into this marriage prematurely.
Steps towards healing
I have since learned when we try to force and rush things because we think it’s what God is calling us to do, it doesn’t allow it to have God’s blessing. Being still, listening, and waiting on the Lord is what this has taught me. He knows what my heart desires and as long as I stay obedient, He gives me what I want, but even better than I could fathom. Because that is how God works!
That night, when I went home, I donated my wedding dress, and got rid of the rest of the sentimental items from my marriage. Not because I have hard feelings, but because I’ve been released from that relationship. I can look back and be thankful for the marriage, the lessons I learned, and, most importantly, the two amazing little boys we were blessed with. Through it, I also learned what love really is. Without me knowing it, God took something bad and used it for good! There is a time for everything under the sun, and the waiting season is the hardest but it is the most rewarding. Wait on the Lord in obedience!
Another layer
The very next day, with another friend, God allowed me to face my childhood. As a child, I was taken advantage of, manipulated, and forced into doing and thinking things that weren’t reality. A dear friend had shared a message with me during our daily devotional. It was called “Getting Past Your Past” and the point that stuck with me read: “it is only in the freedom that we can truly do and be who God wants us to be, the journey through will be worth it…”
This devotional forced me to face the memories, but most importantly, it forced me to face my character defects. I was able to say, “Hey! That sucked, and that caused this to happen and 20 years later caused all of this to happen, but what was my part in it? What could I have done differently?” Thankfully, because of Holy Spirit, I can face life in a way that brings God praise! Letting go, truly letting go, is where I find my freedom. Laying down my memories at the foot of the cross and telling Jesus these are Yours I am no longer a slave to these any more.
I went home that night and went through 4 totes of childhood sentiments. I threw away all but half a tote. Why keep these things that only bring back hurtful memories? I kept enough for my kids to someday look at and compare my grandkid’s features and that was enough for me! That night wasn’t easy. I had to face the hurt caused others, not just what had been done to me. It was hard, but it was the right thing to do.
Your reactions are your choice
I always say the God has control of everything except for our reactions. People try to argue that with me, but truly that is our free will, our choice. Your reaction to what happens to you is your choice. Our options are to lean on God for guidance and comfort or go for the cheap imitations which can lead to substance abuse, over-eating, under-eating, addiction, the list goes on.
For so many years I chose cheap imitations to fulfill my reactions to circumstances. Even when I think I am healed God will show me where I need to work on me some more. He’ll say, “Hey girl, that is not YOU anymore,” in His sassy, fun-loving God voice. Having self-control and total reliance on God in my reaction has created healthier boundaries, and the opportunity to see myself through God’s eyes.
A strong foundation
I challenge everyone I meet to go deeper. Have you just surfaced healed? Have you dug down deep into your faulty foundation and began to rebuild that foundation on the word and love of God? It’s a lot of work to lift up a house, remove the old foundation, and pour new concrete. But the lasting effects of truly healing allows us to have a strong foundation built on Jesus. When a storm comes through, the sandy faulty foundation crumbles which can cause us to turn to cheap imitations, but with a strong clean foundation in Christ no storm can tear down our home!
God’s Best
Payge
